Scattered (anxiety, Spring Mysteries Fest)

I’ve been severely attention-different the past week and a half. I’m also suffering almost daily anxiety attacks that sort of never end, so that’s not really helping me focus on anything.

Anyway, I leave in 2 days for Spring Mysteries Fest. I actually get to go! Yay! Mom doesn’t, however, which is very sad and unfortunate and adding to my stress levels. On top of us losing our boarder for Tyee the wonder-mutt, my car is broken (because the mechanic didn’t finish the job five months ago) and is going to cost us another 400 dollars to fix (which is what it cost the first time, back in October) plus the 300 or so for insurance renewal before the end of the month.

It was supposed to be fixed today; it hasn’t been. This means it’s very likely that I’ll be driving my mom’s car down to Spring Mysteries, which is a good fix but not an ideal one (driver’s seat doesn’t adjust as much as I’d like, and it gives me knee problems).

Also, I’ve never driven this route before. I’ve been to SMF once and it was in a car driven by other people, from another place, which means the route I take on Thursday will be totally different. So I’m nervous about that, which is adding to my anxiety levels.

I haven’t packed, because every time I start I get overwhelmed with anxiety and am unable to do anything.

I don’t have any offerings for the gods and I know I need to bring something but I can’t figure out what and it’s stressing the fuck out of me.

I’m going to be vending, which I haven’t done before and was fine with when I thought mom was coming as a vendor as well, but now she’s not, so it’s all on me, and gods we need to make some money on this trip and if I end up not selling anything I will fall into a guilt and shame spiral because I know I’m a lousy salesperson; mom is the better salesperson; dammit she was supposed to be my booth babe. 

I’m not actually sure if I’m going to have enough money for the entire thing. People have been amazing with the fundraising campaign and because of that I’ve paid my registration, but there’s still gas and ferry costs, as well as on-site cash deposit and the need for a float for our booth. Also, I need to get some supplies before leaving, mostly in the way of tampons (gods willing I don’t go all werewolf this weekend, but who the fuck knows, it could happen) and chocolate (which I need regardless the possibility of lycanthropy). Both of which are fucking expensive.

Usually when I have major anxiety I can calm down using coping mechanisms. This past week none of my coping skills have worked at all. The anxiety won’t stop. My heart is beating fast all the time and I’m constantly in a state of hyperawareness, until my brain breaks from the stress and puts me to sleep for 24 hours, which happened this weekend.

So in light of all this: religion? what the fuck is that?

It has been all I can do to light my candles and say my prayers nearly every other day, if I’m lucky. I feel nothing but the same anxiety; I can’t connect to the gods; I’m completely scattered and out of focus and I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

I am hoping that SMF will help me find my centre again and get to a good place, spiritually. But the flip side of hope is a bottomless pit of terror. As the song goes, “hope is always fear for the pain it will cost.”

And no, I haven’t been able to do any writing, nor even figure out what I want to work on for Camp NaNoWriMo.

Long story short?

This weekend basically needs to be awesome or I might lose my godsdamn mind. 

 

So I’ll see you all in April, when hopefully I’ll be able to actually blog about things that you want to read, instead of whining for 700 words about my anxiety.