At the beginning of the month I had my tea leaves read by a friend. They said that around the end of the month there would be a great big clusterfuck of…something. The reading couldn’t get much clearer because of that clusterfuck.
So today it is April 2nd and I am sitting here trying not to cry because I am at the bottom of the well. The chalice is shaking, and I fear it shattering again.
I’ve discovered what the clusterfuck is. It’s a clusterfuck of emotions. There’s a clot of pain in my heart and it’s so bad I don’t think that even Teddy Altman could save me.
Once the anger at betrayal fades, all that’s left is the pain. And the pain damn near kills you.
The sad bit is, if it had been a lover who had betrayed me it wouldn’t hurt so much. I’m used to lovers betraying me. My relationship with my partner is so godsdamned miraculous I keep on pinching myself, seeing if I’ll wake up.
And by rights I should be used to friends betraying me too. But for whatever reason, that pain is so much more powerful. So much more crippling.
Perhaps because I let her farther in than most.
Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And now that the storm of anger has cleared, all I want is for her to be my friend again. I wish I could have just brushed off this betrayal, just taken it as I’d taken so much of her shit. Because she understood me in a way that very few others do.
But let’s face it. She’d been gone for a while. The knife from her hand to my back was just the last straw.
My boyfriend says that maybe it’s a blessing in disguise — maybe our friendship wouldn’t have withstood my move to Vancouver to be with him, and I would have to find new friends anyway.
I told him I’m too terrified to make new friends. That it’s scary enough letting him in as far as I have.
I can’t shake the fear. It’s in my marrow, in my breath. It’s become me. Fear of being alone has become my existence, and I continually allow people to walk all over me, because if I don’t, I’m sure I’ll be alone.
I have precious few friends. I’ve felt their bite and their anger. I made the right decision, though went about it the wrong way, and so lost many. I’ve inured myself to that pain long since. I’m at the point where it’s easier to be friends with the two that I have now so that I can claim, “See? I have friends.” And reality, I do not. I have the two who I do not run to with my problems or my fears. I have no one really, but the lonely life is easier.
No one stabs me in the back.
I hope that this pain ends and that you come through it all right.
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