The Guilt Cycle

I have done nothing this month. Somehow the entire month is gone already, and I have done nothing. (Spiritually. I’ve been busy in other areas. Very busy.)

The severance ritual has been postponed to…tonight? Is the current plan. Probably a good thing, as I had a lightbulb moment about it that happened today. But on the other hand, I’m now planning on asking both Persephone and the Morrigan for help during this ritual.

And I’ve gone all month without doing anything spiritual. I feel like I need to write some really amazing fantastic ritual that will make up for that.

But my brain is dead and my recovery from con crud and lycanthropy* is slow. I try to think about how to do the ritual and come up with…nothing.

And this is now going to be part one of a two-day ritual process. Tomorrow’s ritual is supposed to be for Manannan. But I haven’t interacted with Him very much…at all recently.

So the guilt cycle begins. I haven’t done much for the gods, so before I can do something really big where I ask for Their help, I need to do stuff for Them. But I need to do this ritual now; it’s sort of crunch time. I can feel myself weakening even more.

In large part I just feel like a huge failure, and that can be really hard to cope with.

So I’m going to go pound out a really crappy ritual and hope the whiskey and pomegranate tea will make up for it.

Apologies for this rambly post. I realize it’s really bad and no where near my usual standards, but if I didn’t post something after neglecting this blog all month I never would have posted anything again, because the guilt would have drowned me.


*Lycanthropy is my new word for menstruation, which is now giving me even more dysphoria and general feeling-like-crapness than usual because my IUD was removed in late September. I’ve had two periods since then, which is weird because usually they’re not so frequent (yay 45-day cycles), and it’s very apparent my memory is incredibly short as I forgot how horrendous they really are/were. Lycanthropy is a nice, non-gendered way to refer to the spontaneous horror film that happens from my nethers once a month or whenever, because fuck you, Morag, regular menstrual cycles are for other people.