I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. May Day is a day of political upheaval; of revolution; of fighting against oppression. No wonder the Morrigan was so clear with me that it be Her holiday.
The epiphany clarified how I was going to celebrate this year’s Beltane. By getting my shit together.
I fucked some things up in the past few months and now I’m hating myself for it. But that’s a waste of time and energy and it makes tM roll Zir eyes, so instead of hating myself I’m just rolling up my sleeves and seeing what I can do to fix things.
So tonight’s celebration, the night of Beltane Eve (or Walpurgisnacht; I’ve always liked that word for tonight) was to draw up a battle plan. A battle plan for my life.
I identified high priority targets and set out steps for a plan of attack on each. I wore tM’s necklace while I did so — I used to think of it as a collar, but I realized tonight it’s not a collar. It’s made of chainmail. It protects my throat so I can have the freedom to speak. It’s always felt almost too powerful to wear.
I fingered through my prayer beads for Her as I wrote out the battle plan. At first I thought I’d plan the whole year, but that’s the sort of thinking that led to my fuck ups in the past few months. I had the whole year planned out, but one small failure led to a guilt/self-hatred death spiral which prevented me from actually catching up. (Like when you skip one class and then you feel so guilty you never go to class again. I know I’m not alone in this.)
I planned out May instead, and June 1st. I set out steps to take and I set out what goals I wanted to accomplish by the end of the month. Tomorrow I begin implementing the Plan, starting by reviewing the list and following the steps. I’ll review the list every day and make sure this stuff gets done, dammit.
At the end of May, I’ll review. See if I’ve eliminated any targets. Cross them off the list; add new ones. Create a list of steps for June and goals for the end of that month.
I do have some overarching goals for this year. So by the time I reach next year’s Beltane, hopefully I’ll have different overarching goals for the next year, and the battle plans will adjust to fit that.
I’m not going to share my list here, but I’ll summarize: writing projects, school, getting the house clean. My list of targets is longer than 3 items, because I’m being specific, but that’s the gist of them all.
Tomorrow I was also hoping to make it to a demonstration; some political event. Unfortunately I had my epiphany a little too late to plan such an outing, so I don’t have the spoons. I half-thought about joining some local Pagans in celebration…
…but I’ve realized: I am sick of the associations most local pagans put on Beltane. It’s all God N Goddess this, Sex and Fertility that. I’ve yet to go to an event that acknowledges the concept of sovereignty at all (or that sovereignty is inherently linked to sex). It’s just “Lol, boners” wherever you go, when it’s not cissexist misgendering violation of boundaries fun times. (Reasons I won’t ever attend Beltane put on by a certain local group again. They’re fine for Imbolc and Ostara, but not Beltane.)
(Yes, I realize I’m generalizing, and yes I realize there are pagans who take a wholly different approach to Beltane. What I’m saying is: those pagans are not here, in my town, hosting events.)
I suppose I could write an entire rant and title it Beltane is More than Boners, but eh. Not tonight. I’ve just finished my spiritual activities for Beltane Eve; now the Ogre and I get to retire to our big comfy bed and sleep the sleep of the wicked.
May write more tomorrow. We’ll see how the day goes. I also have work, so.
PS: I do have more thoughts on the article linked above, but I’m not quite in a place where I can put them into words. Not sure when or if that will happen. Brain’s still percolating.
So glad to see you finding a way and planning things out in manageable chunks. What you said about Beltane being Her day makes a lot of sense. Rock on, you’re awesome! <3
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