Gratitude and Healing

Amor vincit omnia.

pbp1I was going to write out a very detailed post on how grateful I am to everyone who helped me get to SMF and to the gods Who changed me while I was there, but then I realized that I didn’t know how anonymous most of the donors wished to remain, so I wrote the post on my LiveJournal instead, in a custom friends group.

Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to all who helped me get to SMF. It was a life-changing experience, and honestly, without what happened this weekend I might have been in seriously dire straits.

I wasn’t fully healed this weekend; that cannot happen in a weekend. But I was put on the road towards healing, and I couldn’t do that part alone. I can’t do most of it alone; I was told very clearly that I need a support system, that I need to get counseling, that I need to talk to my support system, in plain English, about what I need.

I was also told that love will light my way; that, though I am mortal, I am perfect, and I can do what I need to do. That I have the strength, because the gods gave it to me.

When I said that the weekend needed to be awesome or I’d lose my mind, I didn’t know how right I was. But I was on the edge. I was losing it.

I was tired of suddenly having to fight back tears in the grocery store because I missed my ex. She was no good for me — I can see that clearly — and yet I still missed her. My feelings for her were still poisoning me. Even after my severance ritual.

It took a god to clear the rest of the cords.

I was scared of pushing away Ogre, or anyone else who cares about me, because of my history. I’ve been left by too many folks. My defense is an offense: push them away before they can leave me.

I’ve been pushing mom away for years now. As Ogre and I get more settled into our relationship, I start feeling more wary. Will he suddenly leave me? We’re over 2 years now; my longest relationship yet. Part of me thinks it cannot be true, cannot be real, and that part whispers in my ear, telling me to cut the cords before they can be cut for me.

I need to shut that motherfucker up.

So my Work, now, is tri-fold: when I dedicated to Aphrodite, She asked me to worship Her via taking care of myself. Pamper myself; learn to love myself, and find new ways to love the Ogre through that, and pray to Her whenever I felt like it (no timetable necessary). When I dedicated to Hecate, She told me She wanted me to look in the mirror when I’m upset or angry, and say what I needed to say — that what I want to say to others needs to be said to a part of myself. By doing this, I will find the source of the problem, and I will uproot the vicious weeds from my inner soil, because what I hate in others is something I hate within myself. She gave me a key to my inner worlds, and told me to love myself.

During Greaters, the Reborn God told me that I needed to get from where I was to a place of continual happiness and that I could do it. He let me cry. And He told me the practical, mundane steps I could take to get to that place. And He told me to let my love for Ogre fill me, and give me strength;  and when I let all the intense emotion that I have for my fiancé fill me, I felt invincible.

That tri-fold Work all works out to one, single thing: love thyself. Love myself, truly and deeply, and I will heal myself. 

It’s going to be one hell of a year*, but with the help of the gods and the mortals who love me, I think I’ll be just fine.

Everloving, evergrowing, everchanging, everlasting.

*It obviously will take me much longer than a year to heal all my trauma. This is just one piece of the puzzle I’m working on right now; the first step: the feelings of abandonment. It is a really big piece of the puzzle, but it is the first I need to work on. And it may take me more than a year, but in a year will be SMF again and my dedications will be over and needing to be renewed, and I’ll be able to be recharged for the long, hard road ahead of me.