I’ve been thinking for a little bit about something said elseweb, about how we get this idea that religion has to be big and lifechanging and amazing all the time and that we need to have patron gods and Very Close Relationships with Them in order to be Proper Pagans because…well, that’s what gets talked about. We don’t talk about the mundane shit because it’s so mundane. We talk about the big amazing stuff because it feels like if you’re going to talk about anything on the web it should be something of IMPORT.
I haven’t blogged here because for a while I haven’t really felt able to do religion, you know? I felt like there was nothing for me to really say, and I wanted each post here to be important in some way. (Feeling like I can’t do religion is related to the fact that our landlords, who live above us, are pretty super Christian and I feel really weird about doing anything religious in this house.)
So, here’s the mundane shit. The mundane shit that actually has everything to do with my religion, even if it looks or feels like it doesn’t. And some shit that definitely does have to do with my religion but felt so small I didn’t think it warranted a post.
- My leg is slowly healing. I can walk now, but I’m in pain a lot. It would probably be healing faster if I were better at doing my physio exercises. I am not, because they suck and I hate them and I am a creature of pleasure.
- I am trying to get my life organized in order to, well, be better. Right now everything is such a mess and fucked up that I feel like a failure a lot, and that adversely affect my mental health. So I’ve got a planner and plans and I’m being gentle on myself if I’m not perfect (no one is).
- I’ve started going to a UU church. Not really sure yet how I feel about it. I want to go because at some point, Ogre and I will be having kids and I want help in their religious education. He’s atheist/areligious; it’s all on me. A religious or spiritual community to bring them to would be useful. So I wanted to see if UU would be good for that; it will be. I’m not sure how much it gibes with me, though.
- The one act of worship I’m doing almost every day is offering some of my morning coffee to and lighting candles for Hestia. Skipped yesterday, because I didn’t make coffee at home (Ogre brought me some, along with breakfast) and was so tired I forgot to offer any.
- I am also keeping my Cill shift, though that may be changing or ending soon.
- Not because of any falling out with Brighid — I am still Hers — but because of the end of my relationship with TC. After 7.5 years there, it is clear I am no longer welcome. My posting has dwindled and will likely stop altogether soon, and at some point I’ll stop going back to the forum to check threads at all. I don’t know what this means for me and my Cill shift, but I may end up trying to find another Cill to join. It saddens me that I am losing the one, consistent online home I’ve had for the better part of a decade, and a place that has taught me so much. But the situation has become untenable at best.
- I’m writing again. This is good.
- I am going back to school, for a library tech diploma. Assuming I get accepted, of course; I have yet to apply. But going to school starting in fall is the plan.
- I am in the middle of wedding planning, which includes trying to create a ceremony that will satisfy both super-religious me and super-atheist-and-areligious Ogre. So, that’s fun. A true test of my writing skills.
- I am not going to SMF this year, and may not again. I don’t know yet. Some further things have been made clear about the nature of the oaths, and I don’t know if I can reconcile what’s expected of me with my own beliefs. This also saddens me. I feel like I am losing a lot in the way of community, and I am currently unsure about some of the other options open to me (like UU).
- I had to take down my Hellenic shrine because of space constraints in my house.
- I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore (religiously), and I’m trying to figure it out.
I’m going to try to post more here, even if it’s super mundane crap, because, well. Not everything has to be of import to be important.
or something, I don’t know. I’m pretty hungry right now and not thinking super clearly. Off to get food.
-M
Losing a community is always hard but sometimes it’s necessary. You have to do what’s right for you. I’ve never found a group, Pagan or otherwise, that completely meshes with my ideas so I tend to go it alone and occasionally find other Solitaries with which to converse. Group dynamics usually cause more drama than I can handle. I hope you find a path that works well for you.
I like the “mundane” shit. It lets me know who I’m talking with and know that they’ll understand my mundane shit too. As you said, day-to-day life is the mundane shit that makes up who we are and how we connect to our spirituality. It’s also how communication is supposed to work, not the big life-changing stuff. The big stuff seems to me to be personal and private. I’ve only read your blog a few times so I don’t know lots of the details. But it sounds to me like you’re getting it right by taking care of you first so the other priorities can fall into place after that. I wish you the best in healing, physical and mental. Baby steps and gentle. 🙂